Overrated "Manly" Things

1. Mixed Martial Arts

My first experience with watching MMA was in a room full of guys who sat ogling and hawing while two shirtless men groped each other. Nothing happened. It was the most boring sporting event I had ever seen. I’d rather watch junior high girl’s basketball.

Somehow, the sport has rocketed to incredible popularity with the male 18-25 demographic. It’s exactly because of experiences like mine – when you’re in a room of men ogling and hawing, you assume you’re supposed to ogle and haw along. Why, though? Here’s my two problems with the sport. First, no one knows what’s going on. I have absolutely no idea who is winning until someone is unconscious or dead. Getting beaten to a pulp isn’t even a good measure. It almost seems that the bloodiest guy at the end of a fight is inexpicably the winner. Second, I tend to lack respect for a sport that you get into somewhat late in life and somehow still achieve prominence. I’ve never heard of anyone getting into MMA until at least their late teens (surprisingly, Little League MMA has not been particularly successful). I’ve also never heard of someone randomly “getting into baseball” when they’re 22 and joining the majors a few years later. Conclusion: fake sport.

2.The movies 300 and Gladiator

300 was awful. Just because it’s manly doesn’t mean it has redeeming value. I wouldn’t praise Mein Kampf just because it upped my testosterone levels. Admittedly, it was visually interesting, but it was also plotless, disjointed, moronically violent, racist, and homophobic. It was madness.

Gladiator was watchable, but I was not entertained. It’s another film that is only considered great because it somehow entered the “manly” canon. My problem with the movie was mainly the complete lack of moral ambiguity in the characters. That creepy king guy is cowardly, incestuous scum! Maximus is a loyal man, courageous hero, and – ohmigosh he just cut a guy’s head off with two swords did you see that and it was great when he said I will have my vengeance dude that’s awesome! Ridley Scott just took a dump on a Roman history book and then set it on fire! Conclusion: stupid movies.

3. Meat

Originally, I was going to choose “barbecuing,” because I think the fact this is considered a man’s realm is frustrating. Somehow, cooking is feminine, yet grilling, essentially a very rudimentary form of cooking, is manly. That’s like saying that sewing is feminine, but if you replace needle and thread with a nail and sailing rope it’s masculine.

I decided, however, that meat is what’s actually overrated. Why? It’s not craveable. Ribeye is good, but you don’t get a hankering for it at midnight. Nobody gets hungry at 3 p.m. and raids the pantry for grilled chicken. Stop it, guys. You only beat your chest over meat because you think you’re supposed to. You know you’d rather just have tortilla chips and a bunch of cheese. Conclusion: Meat… meh.