Underrated: Clowns

As far as I know, clowns don't actually do anything funny. I've never laughed at a clown's jokes or antics, and they don't even look inherently amusing. If someone in a costume is going to make me laugh, the rank would go as follows, from funniest costume to least funny:
1) Food item
2) Tree
3) Animal (chicken)
4) Animal (all others)
5) Clown

There is something really special about clowns, though: For a character that is supposed to be objectively funny, a clown is only funny outside of its context. A clown walking down the street reading the paper would probably get more laughs than one juggling lemon meringue pies. In fact, the very word "clown" suddenly appearing on my television screen right now would be infinitely more hysterical than an actual clown.

I realized this when listening to the most recent episode of the yuppie-beloved public radio program This American Life. They were interviewing people at a rest stop, and out of nowhere there's a soundbite from an unidentified man, saying "...and suddenly a clown truck filled with clowns cut us off!" I burst into uncontrollable laughter, but later, I realized the actual image failed to really amuse me. The statement itself, on it's face and devoid of context, was funnier than actually even seeing the clown truck.

I don't quite know why the concept of clowns is so funny, but I think it has something to do with the fact that the profession makes no sense, and yet it persists. What are the perks? Nobody thinks clowns are funny. The entire task of putting on clown makeup seems laborious. The stigma of being a clown would be so great, I think, that you could only really have clown friends. The life of a clown just couldn't sound more miserable, and yet I don't think there's any shortage of clowns. Apparently, they're all over the place. Who knows why?

As a final note, since I know many people are thinking it, clowns aren't that scary. We've just been taught that they're scary because it's an easy go-to answer to a common question. When someone asks you your greatest fear, you don't want to say "death" or "crippling loneliness," so you just say "clowns" and get a chuckle. It's like how so many people say their least favorite word is "moist" - it's just something to say. Clowns may be completely absurd for all the wrong reasons, but they're not scary.

In closing: clowns!

Is Mad Men Overrated?

Pros: Who cares (see cons)
Cons: Boring (cancels out all pros)



Pictured: Kellen Segura, Jon Hamm

Underrated Actor: Kevin Costner

Why doesn't Kevin Costner get more credit? Is it because he's indistinguishable from Dennis Quaid? Does everyone just assume he only does baseball movies? Is he too hairy? Too old? Was the world not ready for the interracial romance of The Bodyguard, and turned against him?

It's not that Costner is considered a bad actor. He simply isn't considered at all. You would think he would at least have that Nicholas-Cage-mediocre-looking-action-movie star power. But no. Nobody advertises a movie by trumpeting the fact that it has Kevin Costner. That would have all the appeal of touting a movie for the presence of Joey Lawrence. Which is why I was surprised when I heard he campaigned for Obama, speaking to young voters at universities around America. Hopefully, he brought along Lauren Conrad and a keg, because I don't know any college students who would show up for Kevin Costner.

There must be something I'm missing from his career. Maybe, in an age I am too young to remember, he was the early 90's equivalent of Brad Pitt. Perhaps he just picked a series of bad projects after Waterworld and The Postman. Whatever the case, it's time to wake up, America - fall back in love with KC.

Overrated "Manly" Things

1. Mixed Martial Arts

My first experience with watching MMA was in a room full of guys who sat ogling and hawing while two shirtless men groped each other. Nothing happened. It was the most boring sporting event I had ever seen. I’d rather watch junior high girl’s basketball.

Somehow, the sport has rocketed to incredible popularity with the male 18-25 demographic. It’s exactly because of experiences like mine – when you’re in a room of men ogling and hawing, you assume you’re supposed to ogle and haw along. Why, though? Here’s my two problems with the sport. First, no one knows what’s going on. I have absolutely no idea who is winning until someone is unconscious or dead. Getting beaten to a pulp isn’t even a good measure. It almost seems that the bloodiest guy at the end of a fight is inexpicably the winner. Second, I tend to lack respect for a sport that you get into somewhat late in life and somehow still achieve prominence. I’ve never heard of anyone getting into MMA until at least their late teens (surprisingly, Little League MMA has not been particularly successful). I’ve also never heard of someone randomly “getting into baseball” when they’re 22 and joining the majors a few years later. Conclusion: fake sport.

2.The movies 300 and Gladiator

300 was awful. Just because it’s manly doesn’t mean it has redeeming value. I wouldn’t praise Mein Kampf just because it upped my testosterone levels. Admittedly, it was visually interesting, but it was also plotless, disjointed, moronically violent, racist, and homophobic. It was madness.

Gladiator was watchable, but I was not entertained. It’s another film that is only considered great because it somehow entered the “manly” canon. My problem with the movie was mainly the complete lack of moral ambiguity in the characters. That creepy king guy is cowardly, incestuous scum! Maximus is a loyal man, courageous hero, and – ohmigosh he just cut a guy’s head off with two swords did you see that and it was great when he said I will have my vengeance dude that’s awesome! Ridley Scott just took a dump on a Roman history book and then set it on fire! Conclusion: stupid movies.

3. Meat

Originally, I was going to choose “barbecuing,” because I think the fact this is considered a man’s realm is frustrating. Somehow, cooking is feminine, yet grilling, essentially a very rudimentary form of cooking, is manly. That’s like saying that sewing is feminine, but if you replace needle and thread with a nail and sailing rope it’s masculine.

I decided, however, that meat is what’s actually overrated. Why? It’s not craveable. Ribeye is good, but you don’t get a hankering for it at midnight. Nobody gets hungry at 3 p.m. and raids the pantry for grilled chicken. Stop it, guys. You only beat your chest over meat because you think you’re supposed to. You know you’d rather just have tortilla chips and a bunch of cheese. Conclusion: Meat… meh.

OR/UR YouTube videos

Underrated YouTube video of the week:
Keyboard Cat

I really thought I had missed the boat when it came to Keyboard Cat, as I only saw it a few weeks ago and it has over 2 million views. After adding another 100,000 or so to Keyboard Cat's view count, I have meticulously analyzed the feline-based meme and believe there is much more to it than meets the eye. To a casual observer, Keyboard Cat is a silly lark on the level of Dramatic Hamster - a chuckler because it lacks sensible context and is unconventionally cute. However, I have found that Keyboard Cat, truly, is art. It belongs in a MoMA gallery.

How? It's a morality play. It's a comment on the YouTube generation, on the I Can Haz Cheezburger manipulation of animals for our amusement, and the nonsensical Family Guy generation of comedy. Fatso, the titular Keyboard Cat, stares at us with soulless eyes while he "performs" his masterpiece, knowing all along that he, or anything tangible is not really the source of our laughter. We laugh because we fail to understand, and we fail to understand because we fail to recognize true art and true beauty. God help us all, Keyboard Cat, and play on.

Overrated YouTube video of the week:
Jill and Kevin's wedding entrance

I watched this video somewhat early on in it's rise to fame, and I have to admit I simply thought to myself "How embarrassing," and moved on to look up funny pictures of emus. A few days later, I found out that the couple had rocketed to stardom, made several appearances on television, and had apparently inspired multitudes of lovebirds to have their wedding party performed choreographed dances down the aisle, set to the sweet music of girlfriend-beaters.

I don't begrudge Jill and Kevin. They seem like nice people. From what I can gather, the video is getting praise because the idea seems creative and daring. Creative is hard to defend, because I can easily assume that many couples have sat around and bandied about such an idea for their wedding party's entrance, but simply found it too outrageous. Nor can J & K's song choice be considered particularly ingenious (Come on - that song is terrible.) What about daring? Sadly, no. "Daring" for a wedding can only be doing something that is either: A) offensive or B) avant-garde and confusing. The dance is neither - the entire wedding party knows how much the crowd is going to love it. "Daring" would be doing something uncivil (like the bride making her entrance to Nine Inch Nails' "Closer"), or a non-sequitur (like replacing the bridesmaids' bouquets with giant stuffed trout.) Now that would tell me a bride and groom aren't taking themselves too seriously. As it is, J & K appear to be trying far too seriously to not take their wedding too seriously.

Essentially, I think that most people watch the video and assume Jill and Kevin are outrageously fun and interesting people. That's fine. I don't mind the video - I just don't particularly get the impression from it that the happy couple is particularly more fun than any other.

Top 5 Most Underrated Fast Food Restaurants

1. Arby's

This roast beef joint is the only place I could suggest for lunch and actually be met with laughter. Not objections or sounds of disgust, but incredulous laughter, assuming that I would never actually suggest a meal served by the anthropomorphic oven mitt. In fact, I think the place has been so ridiculed that even the staff refuses to accept that it's a legitimate restaurant. Whenever I approach an empty Arby's drive-thru, I half expect to hear, "Welcome to Arby's. Why are you here?" This makes their slogan, "I'm thinking Arby's," completely ineffective. No one ever thinks Arby's. Ever.

Why the Arby's hate? Their food, to me, is miraculous. Arby's scientists have managed to pack an insane proportion of juiciness-per-square-millimeter of roast beef in their thin strips of meat. The curly fries are like no other. The number one objection I get is that their roast beef looks like "skin grafts," which makes me wonder if anyone even knows what a skin graft looks like. Other than the fact that their meat is sliced thin and is slightly flesh-colored, there's no way a skin graft is that tasty. Or comes with cheddar. Or can be purchased with curly fries and jalapeno poppers in a 5 for $5 deal in the ER waiting room.

2. Burger King
You can only assume that the Burger King on Texas Ave in College Station was the cover for a money laundering operation, because it inexplicably stayed in business my entire time at A&M despite their only customers being lost Tri-Delts looking for Jason's Deli. They've really had a bad run of luck: first Dane Cook gives them unwanted press to the "massive tool" market, then they hire an ad agency whose campaigns' only purpose seems to be to terrify people.

It's unfortunate, given that Burger King has the most classic fast food hamburger on the market (the Whopper), and apparently started the classic one-misplaced-onion-ring-in-the-fries fast food trope (seriously - you're guaranteed one). Burger King francises seem to be dropping like flies around the areas I live, so I actually haven't been to one in upwards of five years. But I'm sure it's still good.

3. Fazoli's
The one time I was able to convince my friends to eat at Fazoli's with me, they all pretended to get food poisoning. I will most likely have to eat alone if I ever want to try Fazoli's again. Fazoli's has the distinct advantage of being one of the only fast food Italian restaurants I can think of, and also the only place where a magical fairy flits around dropping free breadsticks on your plate. My only objection is that the fairy sometimes comes around a little too rarely, but that's easily made up for by simply demanding 8-10 breadsticks when she comes by your table. Problem solved.

4. Burger Boy
This one's pretty College Station centric, but I felt it deserved mention. I had friends who lived at The Tradition who claimed never have eaten there despite the fact that it was directly underneath their apartment. Since they have free delivery on campus, their business comes mainly from the orders of overweight administrative assistants, but I think it deserves more credibility from A&M students. It's actually one of the better burgers available in BCS. Plus they have a nice patio that's never crowded. Obviously.

5. McDonald's
This is one of those places that people refuse to go to because they think that's just what they're supposed to do. Sure, they once squeezed their burgers out of a tube and arguably led to the downfall of a healthy American populace. But they are one of the few fast food restaurants where you can still eat for under $5, and they literally are fast food - you typically will get your meal in one to three minutes. Their fries are still excellent, their chicken is all white-meat, and their mascot is a friendly clown that helps cancer victims. Also, you're on a road trip and it's the only option besides a chimichanga at Allsup's. Deal with it, Glenn.